Nothing to Say / A Slight Slap at Mobocratic Snobbery, Which Has 'Nothing to Do' with 'Nothing to Wear'
Date: 2008-11-20T00:00:00+00:00
Keywords: Poetry

The Project Gutenberg eBook of Nothing to Say

This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook.

Title: Nothing to Say

Author: Q. K. Philander Doesticks

Release date: November 20, 2008 [eBook #27299]

Language: English

Credits: Produced by Barbara Tozier and Bill Tozier

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK NOTHING TO SAY ***

Nothing to Say

“The Funniest Works in Existence.”

DOESTICKS’ BOOKS,

New editions of which have been

RECENTLY PUBLISHED BY

RUDD & CARLETON, 310 BROADWAY, N. Y.

DOESTICKS, WHAT HE SAYS.

Pp. 380. 12mo. Elegantly bound in cloth.

Price $1 00.

Being a compilation of the original letters from the immortal Q. K. Philander Doesticks, P. B. (Perfect Brick.)

[From N. P. Willis’s Home Journal.]

“Things so copied, so talked of, so pulled out of every pocket to be lent to you, so quoted, and so relished and laughed over as Doesticks’ writings, never were launched into print.”

PLU-RI-BUS-TAH;

A SONG THATS BY NO AUTHOR—A DEED WITHOUT A NAME.

Pp. 264. 12mo. Elegantly bound in cloth.

Price $1 00.

As a History of the country this book is invaluable, inasmuch as it notices a great many events not mentioned by Bancroft, Hildreth, or Prescott. As a Novel it is unapproachable, for it contains several characters unknown to Cooper, Dickens, Marryatt, or Bulwer. As a Mythological Work it should be immediately secured, as it makes mention of a number of gods and deified worthies hitherto unknown to old Jupiter himself. As a Poem, its claims to consideration cannot be denied, as it comprises a great many beauties not discoverable in the “Song of Hiawatha,” besides several Indian names which were therein omitted.

THE ELEPHANT CLUB.

BY DOESTICKS AND KNIGHT RUSS OCKSIDE, M.D.

Pp. 321. 12mo. Elegantly bound in cloth.

Price $1 00.

A veritable and veracious History of the Doings and Misdoings of the members of the Elephant Club. With the minute and particular narrative of what they did. To which is added a complex and elaborate description of what they didn’t. Containing also the exultant record of their memorable success in eventually obtaining, each and every one, a sight of the entire and unadulterated animal, from the primitive hair on his attenuated proboscis, to the last kink of his symmetrical tail.

NOTHING TO SAY;

Being a satire on Snobbery, which has

“NOTHING TO DO” WITH “NOTHING TO WEAR.”

Superbly Illustrated on Tinted Paper.

Pp. 60. 12mo. Elegantly bound in cloth.

Price 50 cents.

These Books are all profusely embellished by Engravings from the finest original comic designs by John McLenan, and are books which no American miscellaneous library should be without.

Copies of any of these books will be sent by mail, postage paid, to any part of the U. S., on receipt of the price.

Page 22.

Nothing To Say:

A Slight Slap at Mobocratic Snobbery,
WHICH HAS
“Nothing to Do” with “Nothing to Wear.”

BY
Q. K. PHILANDER DOESTICKS, P.B.

“My verdict for the white rose side.”

1 Henry VII. ii. 4.

New York:
RUDD & CARLETON, 310 BROADWAY.

M.DCCC.LVII.

Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1857, by
RUDD & CARLTON,

In the Clerk’s Office of the District Court of the United States for the Southern District of New York.

R. CRAIGHEAD, PRINTER AND STEREOTYPER,
Carton Building,
81, 83, and 85 Centre Street.

NOTHING TO SAY.

I, Q. K. P. Doesticks, of No Hall, Nowhere;

No Castle, no Villa, no Place, Court, or Terrace;

Who didn’t write “Junius,” or “Nothing to Wear,”

Who never have visited London or Paris;

Who am not a phantom, a myth, or a mystery,

But a “homo,” as solid as any of history;

As real as Antony, Cæsar, or Brutus,—

A wide-awake Yankee, so “tarnation ’cute” as

To always write Nothings, while Nothings will pay,

Am the author of this Nothing—Nothing to Say.

I mention this fact in advance, that Miss P***

May not strive to embezzle the laurels from me.

That her Reverend friend may attend to his Litany,

And leave me my fame, if perchance I shall get any.

I deemed it best, to set at rest,

This question before it was started, lest

Some terrible girl from the far countree,

Without proper regard to veracitee,

Should haste to town, to drag me down

From my envied post of poetic renown.

Miss P***, I’ve a favor to ask.—If ’tis true,

That “Nothing to Wear,” and “Nothing to Do,”

And “Nothing to Eat,” were all written by you,—

Let those three Nothings content you I pray,

Say nothing yourself; leave me “Nothing to Say.”

From time immemorial, people of fashion

Have been the target of poets and penny wits,

And been lampooned without stint or compassion,

From Dan to Beersheba—from Dublin to Dennevitz;

And our now-a-day rhymsters, taking the cue,

Have aimed all their shots at the Fifth Avenue,

Till the clever author of “Nothing to Wear,”

Fired his broadside at Madison Square.

Now I don’t consider this sort of thing personal,

I’m not a bit of a dandy or fop;

But the seed it is constantly sowing, is worse than all

Others, and bears a most plentiful crop;

For it all goes to strengthen the popular fallacy

That, because a man lives in a “brown stone palace” he

Must be a miser, a rogue and a knave,

Without soul enough to condemn or to save—

Page 28.

That a broadcloth coat argues sin, if not felony;

If a man has the tact in the world to get well on, he

Cannot be else than a thorough-paced scamp;

That the “villanous rich” wear a cloak and a mask, all,

And the greater the riches, the greater the rascal.

That the cardinal virtues only endure,

In the atmosphere with the “virtuous poor;”

That nowhere are found the true Christian graces,

Save closely allied to the dirtiest faces.

I shall not contradict this delightful tradition,

But beg—No, I won’t, I will take it—permission,

To state, that I think there’s a word to be said,

From a different text, on the opposite head.

And so I’ll invent, as well as I’m able,

A new home-made, allegorical fable;

And my honest purpose shall be, to see

If the scoundrel rich have not borne a part

In those noble charities, which are

The pride of this jolly old city’s heart.

And if I shall find that the virtuous mob

Have ever been known one farthing to pay,

Without hoping a hundred-fold profit to make:

Where the “rich man,” the “miser,” “aristocrat,” “snob,”

Has poured out his thousands for Charity’s sake,

I’ll lay down my pen, and have “Nothing to Say.”

I shall not describe the Spirit of Cant,

Of popular humbug, and vulgar rant,

And tell how he looks in a tangible form,

And give the length of his horns and claws,

The spread of his wings, the width of his jaws,

And detail the other proportions grim,

Which belong to a powerful demon like him.

Go and look at the melodramatic stage,

When a “spectacle” piece is all the rage;

And there, in the midst of some “property” storm,

While the sheet-iron thunder is rattling its best,

And the rosin lightning, and all the rest

Of the elements are, for some tragedy-reason,

Making the “awfullest gale of the season—”

See, at the sound of the prompter’s tap,

The fiend come up through the “Vampyre trap;”

Take a mental photograph then, and there,

Of that imp, with his “fixins” all complete—

The elfish grin, the tangled hair,

The dragon wings and the scaly feet—

And you’ll have a notion of him I mean,

The demon of this, my opening scene.

I might go to Milton, and steal, bit by bit,

A description to suit my Spirit of Cant,

A second-hand suit, but a “shplendid fit,”

As a Jew would assure me—but then I sha’nt.

His work is to preach the humbug which passes

For gospel among the “down-trodden masses;”

And to prate of the “wrongs and indignities,” which

Are heaped on their heads by the “cold-hearted rich.”

This Spirit was busy at work one day,

Amongst a crowd of Bowery boys,

When Charity happened to come that way;

And she stopped to listen—though, sooth to say,

She seldom is fond of clamor and noise.

“Now, pray, Mr. Author, wait just a minute,

Stop!

Drop

Page 35.

Your subject, and don’t again begin it

Till you tell us: What did Charity wear?

Was her dress of moire antique, or satin;

Or was it plain muslin—just like that in

Which love-lorn maidens on the stage

Go raving crazy?—and had she a page?

Did she wear hoops? and what sort of a bonnet?

And tell us, what kind of trimming was on it?

What—” Stop, stop, dear ladies, it isn’t fair

To question thus closely a modest young man.

If I could tell the items, I would, I declare;

For I always oblige you whenever I can.

I know that of dresses she has a variety,

Though vanity’s not her predominant passion,

She was costumed, no doubt, with the greatest propriety,

In the very extreme of the reigning fashion.

Well! she stopped to listen, a minute or more,

To the fellow’s mischievous harangue, before

She resolved what to do; then she stepped to the door

Of an Astor Place car, and beckoned to him,

And he followed at once, while his audience scattered;

To tell the truth, he felt quite flattered,

And he smiled a smile most heavy and grim,

For he thought he’d awakened a tender passion

In the heart of a belle, a lady of fashion.

And they sat side by side, this curious pair,

While they rode up to Eighth street—and she paid the fare.

They stepped from the car, and stood before,

The “Cooper Institute’s” new-painted door—

“Who hath done this?” asked Charity then;

“Who hath done this for his fellow-men?

Hath builded this house, that all may come—

The poor most welcome—to Learning’s treasure,

And drink their fill without stint or measure?

Who hath so nobly used his thrift,

And bestowed on the world this priceless gift,

Free to all, whoever may come?

Was this noble work built up by the ‘masses,’

Or by one of the ‘miserly, upper classes’?”

To the Spirit, this speech was quite unexpected,

And he stood in a sort of stupid dismay;

And before his few scattered thoughts were collected,

She rightly concluded—he’d Nothing to Say.

Then she lifted her skirts with a masterly hand,

And out of the puddles and ruts kept them well up,—

Thus showed that she had the most perfect command

Of the crinoline mysteries of her envelope,

’Twas done with the daintiest grace all the while,

And discovered the daintiest possible gaiter,—

Then she turned to her friend with a nod and a smile,

And told him to follow—he straightway obeyed her.

As they hurried along, she kept ever before him,

And he kept his eye on the tempting prunella,

Secretly hoping there’d come such a shower

As would make a new Flood in half-an-hour—

That she, with a womanly care for her bonnet,

Which would “spot,” with the least drop of water upon it,

Page 39.

Might become condescending, and humbly implore him

To come along-side with his cotton umbrella.

But the shower didn’t come, and without a disaster,

They reached the huge Library—christened of Astor.

Then she shook down her skirts to their natural latitude—

Ahem’d once or twice—struck out a nice attitude—

And then she struck into this little oration,

Though I’m sure I don’t know where she learned declamation.

“Spirit, behold! these bending shelves

Are groaning ’neath the gathered store

Of every nation’s varied lore.

Most welcome are the poor themselves

To freely turn these countless pages,

And gather from the words of sages

All the light of former ages.

Whoever wills is here a guest,

The poorest are the welcomest.

Who hath done this? your virtuous mob,

Or a ‘cold-hearted miser,’ a ‘pampered snob’?”

Here her Companion began to perceive

That her feminine tongue would have its own way;

That the cleverest thing he could do was to leave

The talking to her, and have Nothing to Say.

The lady had now been chattering so long,

She felt that her voice was beginning to fail her;

A punch would, she felt, be a blessing and boon,

The “dientical” thing with which to regale her,

So they pushed their way through the gathering throng,

And hurried away to Taylor’s Saloon.

They seated themselves at the table together,—

The customers “staring their eyes out,” to see

Who this queer-looking couple could possibly be,—

Asking each other in whispers, whether,

It wasn’t the likeliest thing that she,

Was a Western Actress, and he an Editor;

And some were terribly frightened, because

They couldn’t help thinking there certainly was,

The Old Nick to pay, and that he was their creditor.

But the strangers composedly sat, never heeding

These stupid remarks, or taking offence,

And they quietly kept on their drinking and feeding,

Without the slightest regard to expense.

If an appetite sharp is a thing so delightful,

Charity had no occasion to sigh at hers;

Boarding-house keepers would say it was frightful,

And ruinous too, to the hotel proprietors.

They were sated at last, and turned from the door;

He, wondering whither she now would go—

And well he might—in an instant more

He was over shoes in the frozen snow;

While she coolly remarked, with a Camille cough,

That the North Pole was only a half a mile off.

How it was they got to their present location,

I’m sure I don’t know, and it’s not my vocation

To give the details of their quick locomotion.

Electricity may have done it, or steam;

Page 46.

But motive powers are not my theme.

My heroes were there, near the frozen ocean.

The man had too much of “cold without,”

And the lady sighed for her tippet and muff;

For though they had come by a summary route,

The weather, they found, was wintry enough.

When they climbed an iceberg’s loftiest height,

To the imminent danger of dresses and hoops,

Of ribbons and pins, and laces and loops,

The Grinnell Expedition was in sight.

Now the lady had been prepared to preach,

Or rather, to make a nice serious speech;

But it might as well have been written in Dutch for her,

For the wind and the weather, conspiring together,

Turned out to be, altogether too much for her;

One half she forgot, and she bungled the rest of it,

Though I finally managed to pick out the best of it.

She asked her companion, who stood in the lee of her,

For the wind spread her skirts to the bigness of three of her,

“Who sent these ships to the rescue of those,

Who have perilled their lives in these Northern snows?

Did he spring from the mob, the benevolent ‘masses,’

Or from the detestable ‘upper classes’?”

With a great deal more to the same effect,

Which I couldn’t exactly make out the sense of,

For I know that her sentences “failed to connect;”

And I suppose that her chattering teeth bit the ends off;

But ’twas very conclusive, whatever she said.

He never disputed her; never said nay,

But only hung down his discomfited head;

And whatever he thought, he had Nothing to Say.

Chilled to the heart with the terrible cold,

Both to get back were most truly-solicitous,

Never before was the saying old,

“As cold as charity,” half so felicitous.

They hastened back to Broadway, when she said,

That one more journey that night she’d lead him,

Before she’d let him go home to bed.

And he, not caring to quibble or question,

At once fell in with the lady’s suggestion,

Not thinking she’d “one more” lecture to read him.

This time they took a course rectilinear

Southward, and landed in Norfolk, Virginia.

Pestilence there was doing its worst,

Hundreds were dying, and hundreds were dead.

Many who should have been bravest, the first

Had deserted their trust, and shamelessly fled.

But men from the Northern cities were there,

Nursing the sick with the tenderest care,

Whose kindred had fled to less dangerous lands,

Leaving the dying to strangers’ hands.

Page 52.

While the two stood quiet beside the bed

Of a patient sufferer, Charity said:

“Who hath sent these strangers here,

These dying men to soothe and cheer?

To do what mortal skill may do

To lighten their burdens of grief and woe;

To shrive these dying souls of blame,

To bid them hope in Heaven above.

Who hath sent these in my dear name

To do this holiest work of love?

Hath the treasure here given been paid by those

Whose ‘wrongs’ are so earnestly plead by you?

Or hath it been done by their ‘natural foes,’

The wealthy, the rich, the opulent few

Of Madison Square and the Fifth Avenue?”

During this lengthy interrogation

The Spirit had been pretending to doze,

But he waked himself up at the peroration,

And most ungallantly turned up his nose,

And turned on his heel, and turned him away,—

Sulkily saying, he’d Nothing to Say.

Dear Readers, I’ll ask one question of you—

Don’t you think it may possibly chance to be true,

That Charity, really, not merely in fables,

May apparel herself in satins and sables,

And costliest ribbons, and fragilest laces,

Like the daintiest beauties of Madison Square,

And may take up a home in the loftiest places,

With those who’ve, satirically, Nothing to Wear?

And in that blissful realm above,

Where the poor and the rich meet in meekness and love:

Where the works of each heart are unveiled to the light,

And Humbug and Cant yield to Truth and to Right—

Where the trickster lays off his mask of deceit,

And the cloak of the hypocrite drops to his feet,

And Honor is given, where Honor is due—

We may see that some from the Fifth Avenue,

Most nobly will speak in that great reckoning day,

While their earthly detractors have Nothing to Say.

Finis.

Transcriber’s Note: Minor punctuation errors have been repaired. Spelling was left as found.

*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK NOTHING TO SAY ***

Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will be renamed.

Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG™ concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you charge for an eBook, except by following the terms of the trademark license, including paying royalties for use of the Project Gutenberg trademark. If you do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the trademark license is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and research. Project Gutenberg eBooks may be modified and printed and given away—you may do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks not protected by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the trademark license, especially commercial redistribution.

START: FULL LICENSE

THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE

PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK

To protect the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting the free distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work (or any other work associated in any way with the phrase “Project Gutenberg”), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project Gutenberg™ License available with this file or online at www.gutenberg.org/license.

Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works

1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg™ electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property (trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in your possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.

1.B. “Project Gutenberg” is a registered trademark. It may only be used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg™ electronic works even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project Gutenberg™ electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below.

1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation (“the Foundation” or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the United States and you are located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg™ works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg™ name associated with the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg™ License when you share it without charge with others.

1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project Gutenberg™ work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any country other than the United States.

1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:

1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg™ License must appear prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg™ work (any work on which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” appears, or with which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, copied or distributed:

This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook.

1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase “Project Gutenberg” associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg™ trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.

1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is posted with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked to the Project Gutenberg™ License for all works posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.

1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg™ License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg™.

1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project Gutenberg™ License.

1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg™ work in a format other than “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other format used in the official version posted on the official Project Gutenberg™ website (www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg™ License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.

1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg™ works unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.

1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing access to or distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works provided that:

- • You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from the use of Project Gutenberg™ works calculated using the method you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, but he has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in Section 4, “Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.”

- • You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg™ License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg™ works.

- • You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of receipt of the work.

- • You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free distribution of Project Gutenberg™ works.

1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the manager of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.

1.F.

1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project Gutenberg™ collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg™ electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain “Defects,” such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment.

1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the “Right of Replacement or Refund” described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, and any other party distributing a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGE.

1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further opportunities to fix the problem.

1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you ‘AS-IS’, WITH NO OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.

1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.

1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone providing copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg™ work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg™ work, and (c) any Defect you cause.

Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg™

Project Gutenberg™ is synonymous with the free distribution of electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from people in all walks of life.

Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg™’s goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg™ collection will remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure and permanent future for Project Gutenberg™ and future generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org.

Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation

The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non-profit 501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal Revenue Service. The Foundation’s EIN or federal tax identification number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state’s laws.

The Foundation’s business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the Foundation’s website and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact

Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation

Project Gutenberg™ depends upon and cannot survive without widespread public support and donations to carry out its mission of increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed in machine-readable form accessible by the widest array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations ($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt status with the IRS.

The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate.

While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who approach us with offers to donate.

International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.

Please check the Project Gutenberg web pages for current donation methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate.

Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg™ electronic works

Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg™ concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project Gutenberg™ eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.

Project Gutenberg™ eBooks are often created from several printed editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.

Most people start at our website which has the main PG search facility: www.gutenberg.org.

This website includes information about Project Gutenberg™, including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.

Table of Contents

- Nothing To Say:

- THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE